The Unwelcome Guest

I think I have Stats Angst. Given that I’m almost entirely innumerate this is hardly surprising; it took me three attempts to pass maths ‘O’ Level. Show me a spreadsheet of numbers and initially I panic and then my brain fogs up as the figures swirl in front of my eyes. Me and numbers, we don’t get along.

But the Stats Angst I’m talking about here is a little different and of course cancer related. Eagle eyed readers of this blog will know that I’ve been on hormone therapy for over a year and have completed a two-month course of radiotherapy.

My cancer or hopefully lack of it will be monitored in the coming months by a simple PSA blood test. The last reading taken in June came in quite low at 0.8. I’m due for the next test in a couple of weeks prior to seeing my oncologist. Obviously, I’m hoping the number is even lower as this figure becomes the benchmark in my efforts to boot out the Unwelcome Guest. Despite being told it’s unlikely, I’m now scared the damn thing will have gone up rather than down. Hence the angst.

When having a consultation with the oncologist, I never quite know how to pitch the words I choose. Inevitably, given my condition, treatment and side effects there’s a fair bit of urological chat. So, what do I say? If I talk about excreta or faeces, I sound like a first-year medical student. If I talk about poo, I sound blushingly coy, in effect using baby talk. If I talk about shit, I sound like an oik. Cancer, it’s not just your health you have to worry about, it’s your vocabulary too.

The oncologist should be able to tell me how the Unwelcome Guest and I are getting along and what my prognosis looks like. Of course, I’m hoping she’ll say the Unwelcome Guest looks like he’s had seven shades of shit kicked out of him. Or words to that effect.