I’m making a list, I’m checking it twice

Technically I was tidying but really I was rummaging through a cluttered cupboard in my home office. I like to think of this as my man-cave but in a small house in central London it’s more like a man-cupboard. The rummage produced a list. Now to he clear, I like lists – a lot because:

  1. They help me keep on top of work.
  2. Stop me forgetting things.
  3. And allow me the joy of putting a little tick next to a completed job.
  4. Some people cross things out once they’ve completed a job but that carries a huge risk of not being able to see what you’ve done. No serious list maker would stand for that.

Christmas is the time of year when lists come into their own, with Santa’s Naughty & Nice list setting the Gold Standard, though to be fair to the fat, bearded chap I check my lists a great deal more than twice.

Inevitably, given the nature of this blog, the list I’m talking about is a little less full of festive fun. Prior to my prostate cancer diagnosis, I’d spotted blood in my urine which prompted me to go to the doc and set me off on my cancer capers.

What I’ve not mentioned before is that two years earlier I had also been peeing a small amount of blood and had sought medical help. On that occasion, following various tests, I was given the all clear though not surprisingly the question: ‘did they miss something?’ has popped into my mind on more than one occasion.

Which brings me to my uncovered list which were the notes I took at the time during a consult with a urologist at Guy’s Hospital.

  1. Benign cyst on left kidney.
  2. Enlarged Prostate. May cause problems in later life.
  3. No sign of tumour or cancer.
  4. Blood (in urine) probably caused by prostate.
  5. CT scan of kidney in case ultrasound had missed anything, ruled out cancer.
  6. Blood should go away, can take drugs for prostate, but these can have side effects.
  7. CT scan 3rd September at St Thomas’ Hospital.

So, what to make of that? Well I’m certainly no doctor, but it looks like they did all the analysis necessary though of course the enlarged prostate is the giveaway. I love the idea that it ‘might cause problems in later life’. I’m pretty sure I had in mind when I was 80 or 90 not just two years down the track. Unfortunately, it looks like the Unwelcome Guest had already made a booking.

I suppose if I have a criticism it is that I should have been put on what is called Active Surveillance and monitored more closely.

I’d forgotten I’d had the CT scan on 3rd September which is my birthday, but remember feeling deliriously happy when I saw the urologist for the last time and was given the good news.

Two years later after I’d started again on the unlovely round of tests, I remember telling Mrs Preen I had a strong conviction there would be no free pass this time. Unfortunately, I was right.

But let’s keep the doom and gloom at bay at this time of year. I’m feeling fine and the radiotherapy side effect, needing to pee all the time, is gradually going away which means I’m sleeping more and feel less tired.

Given the nature of this post, I guess I’ve got to finish with a list, so I’d like to shower seasonal goodwill on all of the following:

  • Those who have their own Unwelcome Guest.
  • Loved ones of those who do.
  • Friends and family who worry about me.
  • And anyone else who’s along for the ride.

Happy Christmas, Happy Holidays and Happy New Year. I’ll be back at the start of our next solar orbit.


Cancer can be so irritating

Despite my best efforts to forget about it, cancer has the irritating habit of unexpectedly shouting through the letterbox – I’m still here you know, stop ignoring me.

An NHS letter flopped on to the mat a week ago containing a bowel cancer screening kit. As far as I’m aware this is sent every couple of years to everyone in the UK over sixty. The process involves smearing faecal matter on to a card and mailing this unlovely package back to the bowel cancer screening programme in Watford. If the sample contains blood, further investigations are required as this might indicate bowel cancer.

So, I literally got my shit together and sent it to Watford only to receive a letter back saying: ‘The result from your test was unclear. An unclear result means there was a slight suggestion of blood in your test sample. Receiving an unclear result is not unusual and does not mean we think you have cancer.’ Note to Watford, I do have cancer but hopefully not your variety. I don’t want to be greedy and isn’t one type of cancer enough for anyone?

Having just finished radiotherapy for prostate cancer I was warned I might see blood in my either my urine or bowel movements. I haven’t but I’m hoping that’s what the bowel test picked up rather than anything more serious. I’ve now packed off another completed kit to Watford, they clearly can’t get enough of this stuff, and will await their response.

Fit & Healthy

Keeping fit and healthy may not help you beat cancer, but Macmillan the cancer support charity certainly think it helps. They list these benefits that physical activity can promote:

  • Reduces tiredness and some treatment side effects
  • Reduces anxiety and depression
  • Improves your mood and quality of life
  • Strengthens your muscles, joints and bones
  • Looks after your heart and reduce the risk of other health problems

I’ve been going to the gym to keep trim, which when you’re on hormone therapy is a bit of a battle. Last week, in an added effort to beat the Christmas bulge I attended my first aerobics class in what must be twenty-five years.

I shambled in behind beautiful, lithe young twenty-year olds feeling like an archaeologist’s fossil, only fatter. Have you ever noticed how gravity seems to have no effect on the young? They ignore it and dance through the air as if they were in space, whereas gravity takes one look at me and adds ten kilos to each of my legs.

Just then a stocky, well-muscled young man entered who was obviously the trainer. The room fell silent as he announced in a booming voice: ‘Hello my name is Volkan, I am from Turkey. They call me ZEEE VOLCANO.’

Well that was an hour I won’t forget. If I’d had the energy I’d have gone straight to A&E. But guess what? I’m going back tonight.